1. “A Tattoo is Forever”
Yes, a tattoo is forever. Totally forever! Except that a tattoo can, if needed, be erased with a laser.
No comments on how there are some days when you want to temporarily erase your three-year-old with a laser.
2. “People are going to judge you all the time.”
They absolutely will. You’re a terrible mother! Why are you doing whatever you’re doing? Why AREN’T you doing this thing you’re NOT doing? People will judge you so harshly for every child-related decision, they won’t even notice that you have the Chinese character for “Serenity” inked on your forearm.
This is not the Chinese character for Serenity.
3. “Having one will limit the type of jobs you can get.”
It will! Like jobs where you need time off to take care of your kids when they get sick! Or jobs where they’re only hiring guys because they feel like hiring women is a liability!
4. “A tattoo will ruin your body.”
It totally will, right? Also what will sort of ruin it is carrying another human inside your body for the better part of a year and then pushing it out an opening ten centimeters wide and then attempting to breastfeed it. Followed by the stress of trying to raise it to adulthood. Let me know if doing all that ruins your body any more or less than the butterfly on the small of your back.
Oh no, a drawing of a butterfly: My body is RUINED.
5. “It’s going to be more expensive than you realize.”
It is SO expensive. There are tons of basic costs at the beginning but I can’t even explain how much it’s going to cost to put this tattoo through college.
Start saving now.
6. “You don’t know if it’s going to be clean or safe. Also, you know it’s going to hurt, right?”
Luckily, having a kid can easily be summed up by the words “clean” and “safe.” Also, “painless.”
7. “I know you think you want one, but you probably haven’t thought this through all the way.”
No, I hadn’t.
8. “You’re excited about it right now, but how are you going to feel about it in 15 years?”
You’re right, I’m totally going to want to strangle it in fifteen years.
9. “Is it that you really want one? Because maybe you want one because it seems like everyone else has one.”
Judging from my Facebook newsfeed, yes, everyone does have one. Maybe part of why I wanted one was actually wanting one, and part of why I wanted one was peer pressure.
Everyone in the world has that barbed wire tattoo, right? Or depending on who’s around, you could pretend it’s a DNA double helix.
10. “You think you’re going to seem so cool walking around with one, but really most of the time you’re going to look sort of ridiculous.”
Sorry, I couldn’t hear that last one. I was screaming the phrase, “DON’T EAT THOSE BUGS,” while pulling pieces of sweet potato and banana out of my hair and coat pockets.